I’ve had a slight fear of exercising since primary school. Sports was filled with teachers yelling at you to go faster, and you’re trying, but you just can’t do it because you’re not fit enough. I’ve had a teacher yell at me to go faster as I’m playing hockey, and I didn’t go faster, because I was still practicing how to use the hockey stick. So she ordered me to do five laps of the yard because I wasn’t ‘trying’.
Skip forward a year after that incident, and football came along. I was not ‘trying’ again, according to the teachers, despite how I was drenched in sweat and panting as if there was no air whatsoever. So they isolated me to a corner of the yard to practice kicking a ball against a wall.
I always felt like I was being punished for not being naturally good at something, and would watch with critical eyes as the teachers would praise and have a good laugh with the students who were naturally gifted at sports. Despite what everyone assumed, I did enjoy sports, but I wasn’t good at it.
And I did try.
A time came when I really enjoyed basketball but sucked to high heaven at dribbling, so in my spare time I would dribble the ball. I did it because I enjoyed it, but if I didn’t impress the teacher I’d be shouted at. So it came to the point that I accepted I wasn’t any good. I just put my head down and got on with it, just to get through it and then go as soon as possible.
I used to love running. Used to feel good after winning sprints at school, and would randomly run against people in the yard. It felt good. But alas, I was put off by the teachers telling me I wasn’t trying, and it was easier to give up and let everyone else shine in my place.
High school came. Sports was harder, of course, and I was below average with everything. I’d never flip the teachers off and say I’m not going to participate, so there I’d be, slowly trudging across the field, bright red, panting, feeling a metallic taste in my mouth. I’d always have bad scores and times, but I’d be more bothered about getting out of there as fast as possible. I’ve had my moments. I won a cricket game for the team once, and it felt amazing. Considered even joining the cricket team, but then my friends told me I wouldn’t be good at it, so I decided to not do it. I did well in netball at one point, and was called a ‘netball goddess’ by a teacher, but she embarrassed and patronised me by stopping the game and making a fuss.
They’ve always patronised me, as if they are shocked if I do something well. It feels like they only have low expectations of you, and it makes you question your own abilities.
Football came around again: I chose it as an option because I wanted to get better, but as soon as I got in there…there was no ‘training’. It was like being thrown in the deep end and having good footballers racing at you, and that is intimidating. The teacher, again, shouted at me. My excuse: I don’t know what I’m doing.
I started going to the school gym at dinner, but it was always full of competitive guys showing off, and because there was a huge mirror in front of me on the treadmill, I’d see my thighs clap together. Due to this, I stopped going to the gym at school. Too many people were better than me. Too many people looked at me. I would much rather be invisible, than to have people watch me struggle.
During a holiday one year my thighs rubbed together so much I had heat rash. So I vowed to exercise and start doing Insanity, an intense exercise program designed to urge you to push yourself. My parents did it, so I thought it was worth a shot. However, my dad watched me and criticised me all the way, telling me I wasn’t trying, so again…I gave up. I don’t want to be criticised for trying.
Since then, I have done nothing, and I’m seeing the consequences. I’ve never been ‘fit’, and I am a size 12, above 9 stone, and my height is 161 cm tall. Most of my weight is in my breasts (a pest during exercise), and despite carrying the weight well and not looking hugely fat, I am…unfit. I wobble. My knees have started to click randomly.
So I’ve decided to stop blaming everyone else, and to do something about it.
My main reasons for wanting to get healthy are: I’m tired of being unfit, I want to build my confidence, I want to be proud of my body and accomplishments, I want to feel more confident in the bedroom and to get on top again, I want to have an active way to get rid of pent up energy and frustrations, and one day…I’d like to be able to exercise with my boyfriend while feeling confident about it. But another reason is it’s good in the long run. I hope to one day be a mum, and I don’t want to be the kind of mum who can’t run around and play with her kids, so…I’m starting to exercise.
It is a shame I let things defeat me in the past, because with a little more support I would have really enjoyed sport, and maybe basketball in particular (though I have no idea why). I just liked to surprise people I suppose.
My aim is to be healthy and good for the future…and so today…I exercised 😉 I followed a health magazines advice on a few exercises, and thought it would be simple enough. Thirty minutes later…I was so sweaty I had sweat marks on the exercise mat…and boob prints…
And my legs are in agony! But I’ve learnt a few things. I need to work on my core strength, and I’m too stubborn to give up a certain exercise until a song is over XD
So what I’m saying is…it’s easy to give up, and to listen to others criticisms and to think lowly of yourself. It’s a trap. Giving up doesn’t get you anywhere at all, and it’s pointless. For once, I want to prove people wrong, and to get fit. I want to run in public, I want to run with people, I want to be able to run and look good doing it, and to enjoy it.
Before that…I have to work. However, I can imagine how proud I’ll be when I can achieve my goals.
Something that pushed me to exercise: my mum is now 8 stone…which was a wake up call. Plus…my boyfriend is fit…and watching him slowly made me realise how bad I was myself. So really…I’ve been inspired again 🙂 Let’s hope tomorrow is a sweaty one XD