Some Rules I’ve Made For Myself When Arguing With The Boyfriend

I’m a difficult girlfriend, it’s true.  Terrifyingly so.

I do not respond to criticism well, I’m stubborn, I get moody and I’m sensitive.  Plus, I have terrible confidence issues and over think a lot.  So overall, I’m quite the package when I’m not at my best.  So after a recent argument that could have been completely avoided if I had not been a moody and hyper sensitive nutjob, I made myself a few rules.

I’m well aware of my flaws (hence why I over think a lot), and because I love my boyfriend I’m willing to make changes because…who the hell likes to argue with the person/people they care about? So here we go!

1.) Eat something

Sometimes when I’m hungry, or I’m low on sugar, I turn into the grouchy evil version of myself, where if you say anything even the slightest bit annoying or insensitive, then I am definitely going to be a pain in the ass about it. So, a cup of tea and biscuits are a quick fix, or if it’s a severe case of a terrible mood, an entire meal might be needed if I’m really hungry XD

I’ve done random Google searches on how food affects mood, and amazingly, it’s a thing.

Check out: http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/how-food-affects-your-moods

Or check out: http://www.everydayhealth.com/news/ways-food-affects-your-mood/

Both sites look into how food affects moods and so on, and is really quite insightful and enlightening, so it may be worth looking into.

Ps – I’m still getting to grips with this site, so if I’ve done something stupid with the links by just copying and pasting it here, please tell me!

2.) Don’t rise to the bait

It takes two people to argue, no doubt about it. If one person is shouting and the other is having none of it, then the shouter will eventually get bored: fact. A tip for these situations is to say ‘I don’t want to argue’, and to just keep saying it, or to leave them to their own bad mood. More often than not, they’ll realise that they were being unfair or overly aggressive in their approach.  Most arguments, I’ve found personally, can be completely avoided if you both realise that shouting will get you nowhere, and so to just discuss the issues like civilised people.

3.) Don’t play the Blame Game

Okay, okay…I get it. I get in a bad mood, and then blame him because he said something hurtful or insensitive.  It happens. But I read on a site a long, long time ago that you should never be arguing about what the boyfriend did in the summer of 1993 whenever another argument pops up.  So another little tip: Only argue about things that have happened in the past week.  Keep it relevant. Arguing is not point scoring, because that is just immature and will get no one anywhere, ever. It might be hard not to when he brings out the big guns and tries to stack up on points, but don’t play into his hands.  Take the higher ground. Try saying that you are not going to point score, and that you want to talk about the issue at hand.

4.) Avoid swearing or Insults

No one likes to be sworn at or insulted, ever.  Especially when it’s your boyfriend, or even if it’s yourself doing the swearing and insulting! People regret letting their anger get in the way and hurting the other person. It’s not a nice feeling for either of you. Plus, then it may bring on a whole new world of arguing: the hurt game. Who can hurt the other more?  Now that’s unhealthy, and destructive.

Swearing, although reflective of your frustration and anger, instantly puts the other person on the defensive and willing to swear right back.  It’s the same with insults, although if there’s only one person ever insulting the other…there’s a big issue.  They need to change their act, or else someone is going to feel unloved, disrespected and resentful.

However, if swearing and insults do come into the argument, always apologise.  Always.  Takes two to argue, so take responsibility and apologise.

5.) Look at things from their point of view

My issue is that I am stubborn and feel sorry for myself.  I focus on the wrong that he is doing to me, and forget that sometimes he might not understand, or that I’ve been doing wrong to him.  It’s easy to get selfish when we’re hurt because we’re on the defensive, but we have to take a step back and look at the situation from a different perspective.  Maybe you feel hurt because he forgot a Skype Date, or he said something thoughtless that hurt your feelings…well maybe he forgot because he was busy, got pulled away by other responsibilities and wotnot, and that thing he said that hurt your feelings?  Perhaps you misunderstood, or he said it wrong, or perhaps he’s already in a foul mood and took it out on you.

Whatever the case, find the root of what happened, and work from there.  Most of the time it might be trivial, or a whole misunderstanding.

6.) Take a break from arguing

Breathe!  If you feel like you are going nowhere, and things are getting worse, just take a step back or take a walk. Sometimes we need a Time Out to realise a few things.  Most of the time when I take a break I realise that either I’m wrong (which is mostly the case) or I’ll realise he is and he owes me an apology…however if we argued I should apologise too I believe, because hey…TAKES TWO TO ARGUE!

Never go ‘For a drive’ when you’re angry because this can be dangerous.  Go for a walk.  Always.

7.) Avoid texting long paragraphs or lectures

Due to my Long Distance Relationship our arguments are mostly over text…everyone hates it when parents etc lecture us, and long text paragraphs are lectures.  It’s long and a bombardment of negatives that may make your boyfriend/girlfriend feel attacked and it can take a kick to their confidence.

If you lecture your partner on all the things they do wrong, it’s not nice.  If you’re arguing, keep it direct, relevant and simple.  If you do this it can be easier to wade through to the issue, rather than sit there on our phones sighing, or sitting there receiving an ear full not wanting to listen.

8.) Question why you are arguing

Is it even worth arguing?  Is the whole mess worth the original point you were arguing about?  Sometimes, admittedly, I lose track of what I was angry about in the first place because I’m too upset over his reaction and so on…so a tip is to write down your original reason you’re arguing.  It might sound stupid, but it may help you realise something.

If it’s over something silly, just drop the argument and talk through to find a solution.  If you have a real reason to argue…make sure you’re clear on why, and follow all other tips!

9.) Question if you are currently frustrated by other matters

Work was hard and long, there’s a stubborn stain on your favourite shirt and some idiot on the road beeped at you for no apparent reason…if you are having a bad day and you are bottling it all up, it can be easy to take it out on your partner.  I’ve had this: a bad family day out, my sister being a rude bitch and my parents interrogating me over what I’m doing with my life…it was easy to finally dump all my anger on my boyfriend when he said anything slightly annoying or insensitive.

But it is NEVER right to take out your anger on OTHERS.  Ever!

So if this is the case, apologise, explain yourself, and try to work out a solution.  Hugs might help!  And a cuppa tea and a biscuit…

10.) Once the argument is over, it’s over!

Holding a grudge is like letting someone live in your head rent free’ – my boyfriend told me this before we had even met over text, and really, it’s one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received.

Holding a grudge, firstly, means that negative feelings linger, and you’re just hurting yourself even more. Plus, it does nothing.  Nothing happens if you hold a grudge.

So, instead of sulking, giving the stupid silent treatment, or trying to ‘punish’ the other by putting on a sex ban, hiding the Xbox controller or just being pure nasty to be around…just let it go.  If he apologised, or she apologised, then let it go.

You’ll get over it.

11.) Don’t read too much into things

I’m sensitive, I think I mentioned this before?

For example, my boyfriend told me to work on riding him during sex, and my reaction was ‘OMFG I’M TERRIBLE AT SEX, I’M HORRIFIED!’

Yeah…I went to the extreme, when really, he just wanted a more enjoyable sex life, and that isn’t a crime.  Besides, I knew I had to work on it, and he was willing to help, so the issue?  My sensitivity.

Try to see things for what they are, in a simple manner.  Avoid going to extremes.

12.) Don’t sulk afterwards or be a downer

Even if you’re not holding a grudge, the aftermath of a fight sucks because arguments hurt.  However, when it’s over it’s over, and maybe it’s true that you may still be upset, and that’s natural and understandable.  Yet, you should make an effort to be nice to be around, and to try patching things up so you can go back to how you were before the fight.

Or, if things were really bad and you really are upset…it will take a time to get into the swing of things perhaps, and maybe you need an apology that you haven’t received yet, or your partner is acting like nothing happened or that it was all your fault.  If this is the case, talk to them, or even seek help if the relationship is already rocky.

13.) Don’t feel sorry for yourself

I’m guilty of this…I’m narrow-minded in arguments, and so it’s easy for me to throw my hands up and say ‘You don’t care about me’, ‘so I’m a bad person’ and so on…however, this is just unhealthy for you and the relationship.

If you want to have a Pity Party, take some time for yourself, or get over yourself.

Either cheer up and get on with it, or take a breather on your own.  Remember, the other person might just be craving the normality of how you were before, and seeing you pitying yourself is a turnoff…a total turnoff.

14.) Hold back a little on your feelings

I always seem to give an essay about my feelings.  ‘I feel’ is something I say a lot, and as much as my feelings do matter, sometimes it just needs to be direct, simple and relevant! Don’t beat about the bush, writing an essay or something…it comes across as one-sided and lecturing.

So if that one ickle word made you feel a bombardment of things…try to find a simple way to say it.

15.) Don’t interrogate

This is aggressive in all honesty, and the partner will be on the defensive again.  Some questions are fine, but if you’re throwing them at the poor dear then hold back! No one likes to feel like they are being intruded on with no mercy.

16.) Address the real issue

Just get it sorted out.  If you waste time on tiny details that don’t matter, then you’re spending longer on a process that no one likes.  Arguing is horrid…for me it knocks my confidence, makes me insecure for a while and makes me slightly fretful in the slightest change of tone or mood.

It’s just bad.

17.) Let him speak

He has a right to speak, he’s in this relationship too! Let him say how he feels, or again, it’s all one-sided and he’s going to feel attacked.  He’ll just give up eventually.  He deserves to be listened to, no exceptions!

You may learn something, or find the root of the real issue, but either way it’s important.  You can’t trample on his voice.

18.) Exercise

It’s true, it helps!  It’s a nice outlet for any frustration and anger, and burns away wibbly wobbly bits you want to get rid of! Double win, and enjoyable.

19.) Apologise

I’ve said this throughout the post, but it’s important.  If you both argue, apologise.  Otherwise someone is going to feel resentful and unloved, or another argument may follow.  Also, while we’re on the subject: FUCKING MEAN IT! I did not give a heart-felt apology just for you to give a half-arsed one in return! Give me a real one!

However, that’s all for now XD

Ulalume Poe

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No More Excuses: Exercise

I’ve had a slight fear of exercising since primary school.  Sports was filled with teachers yelling at you to go faster, and you’re trying, but you just can’t do it because you’re not fit enough.  I’ve had a teacher yell at me to go faster as I’m playing hockey, and I didn’t go faster, because I was still practicing how to use the hockey stick.  So she ordered me to do five laps of the yard because I wasn’t ‘trying’.

Skip forward a year after that incident, and football came along.  I was not ‘trying’ again, according to the teachers, despite how I was drenched in sweat and panting as if there was no air whatsoever.  So they isolated me to a corner of the yard to practice kicking a ball against a wall.

I always felt like I was being punished for not being naturally good at something, and would watch with critical eyes as the teachers would praise and have a good laugh with the students who were naturally gifted at sports. Despite what everyone assumed, I did enjoy sports, but I wasn’t good at it.

And I did try.

A time came when I really enjoyed basketball but sucked to high heaven at dribbling, so in my spare time I would dribble the ball.  I did it because I enjoyed it, but if I didn’t impress the teacher I’d be shouted at.  So it came to the point that I accepted I wasn’t any good.  I just put my head down and got on with it, just to get through it and then go as soon as possible.

I used to love running.  Used to feel good after winning sprints at school, and would randomly run against people in the yard.  It felt good.  But alas, I was put off by the teachers telling me I wasn’t trying, and it was easier to give up and let everyone else shine in my place.

High school came.  Sports was harder, of course, and I was below average with everything.  I’d never flip the teachers off and say I’m not going to participate, so there I’d be, slowly trudging across the field, bright red, panting, feeling a metallic taste in my mouth.  I’d always have bad scores and times, but I’d be more bothered about getting out of there as fast as possible.  I’ve had my moments.  I won a cricket game for the team once, and it felt amazing.  Considered even joining the cricket team, but then my friends told me I wouldn’t be good at it, so I decided to not do it.  I did well in netball at one point, and was called a ‘netball goddess’ by a teacher, but she embarrassed and patronised me by stopping the game and making a fuss.

They’ve always patronised me, as if they are shocked if I do something well.  It feels like they only have low expectations of you, and it makes you question your own abilities.

Football came around again: I chose it as an option because I wanted to get better, but as soon as I got in there…there was no ‘training’.  It was like being thrown in the deep end and having good footballers racing at you, and that is intimidating. The teacher, again, shouted at me.  My excuse: I don’t know what I’m doing.

I started going to the school gym at dinner, but it was always full of competitive guys showing off, and because there was a huge mirror in front of me on the treadmill, I’d see my thighs clap together.  Due to this, I stopped going to the gym at school.  Too many people were better than me.  Too many people looked at me.  I would much rather be invisible, than to have people watch me struggle.

During a holiday one year my thighs rubbed together so much I had heat rash.  So I vowed to exercise and start doing Insanity, an intense exercise program designed to urge you to push yourself.  My parents did it, so I thought it was worth a shot.  However, my dad watched me and criticised me all the way, telling me I wasn’t trying, so again…I gave up.  I don’t want to be criticised for trying.

Since then, I have done nothing, and I’m seeing the consequences.  I’ve never been ‘fit’, and I am a size 12, above 9 stone, and my height is 161 cm tall.  Most of my weight is in my breasts (a pest during exercise), and despite carrying the weight well and not looking hugely fat, I am…unfit.  I wobble.  My knees have started to click randomly.

So I’ve decided to stop blaming everyone else, and to do something about it.

My main reasons for wanting to get healthy are: I’m tired of being unfit, I want to build my confidence, I want to be proud of my body and accomplishments, I want to feel more confident in the bedroom and to get on top again, I want to have an active way to get rid of pent up energy and frustrations, and one day…I’d like to be able to exercise with my boyfriend while feeling confident about it.  But another reason is it’s good in the long run.  I hope to one day be a mum, and I don’t want to be the kind of mum who can’t run around and play with her kids, so…I’m starting to exercise.

It is a shame I let things defeat me in the past, because with a little more support I would have really enjoyed sport, and maybe basketball in particular (though I have no idea why).  I just liked to surprise people I suppose.

My aim is to be healthy and good for the future…and so today…I exercised 😉 I followed a health magazines advice on a few exercises, and thought it would be simple enough.  Thirty minutes later…I was so sweaty I had sweat marks on the exercise mat…and boob prints…

And my legs are in agony!  But I’ve learnt a few things.  I need to work on my core strength, and I’m too stubborn to give up a certain exercise until a song is over XD

So what I’m saying is…it’s easy to give up, and to listen to others criticisms and to think lowly of yourself.  It’s a trap.  Giving up doesn’t get you anywhere at all, and it’s pointless.  For once, I want to prove people wrong, and to get fit.  I want to run in public, I want to run with people, I want to be able to run and look good doing it, and to enjoy it.

Before that…I have to work. However, I can imagine how proud I’ll be when I can achieve my goals.

Something that pushed me to exercise: my mum is now 8 stone…which was a wake up call.  Plus…my boyfriend is fit…and watching him slowly made me realise how bad I was myself.  So really…I’ve been inspired again 🙂 Let’s hope tomorrow is a sweaty one XD