Respecting His Mother’s ‘No Bed Sharing Rule’

I love my boyfriend’s parents.  Absolutely adore them.  They are warm, welcoming, chilled out and good fun, and so I often love seeing his parents as well as seeing my boyfriend.  Though it was hard to get over the fact his mum called me ‘babes’ the first time we met, and that they actually liked me, I got very comfortable very quickly.

My mum always told me before meeting his parents: ‘become his mum’s best friend’.  This is a very natural rule in my mind, because I don’t want to be his mum’s enemy or to find myself butting heads with her…I wanted to be her friend or at least be on decent terms for my boyfriend’s sake, but also for mine XD

Thankfully she really likes me from what my boyfriend has told me, and the same for his dad. However, we came across a certain ‘rule’ that at first, made me enraged.

My dad had already given us a rule where my boyfriend couldn’t stay over until six months had passed, so another rule felt unfair.  We see each other twice a month, or more or less depending on how much money we have, so each moment together is special.  Rules on top of the limited amount of time we can spend together was just…deflating.

This new rule was that even when I could sleep over at my boyfriend’s house, he had to take the sofa while I slept in his bed. My first thoughts were ‘why?!?!’, and ‘but as a couple we should be allowed, shouldn’t we?!?!’.

I asked him to ask her why, which was a wrong move because it only pressures him unfairly.  He flat-out refused to ask her, since if that was her only rule then so be it.  Admittedly, I have to agree that it is fair.  His mother has a strong belief that you shouldn’t share a bed until marriage, due to her religious beliefs or something, I don’t know, but I have to respect her wishes.  It’s her son afterall, the ‘I’m his girlfriend‘ line has no power here XD

So if I can’t share a bed with him in his parents house, I’ll have to deal with it, no matter how much I dislike it. Who knows, maybe she’ll see we respect her rule and will allow it one day, but if she doesn’t…so be it.

However we are allowed to share a bed outside of his parents house, thankfully.  Sharing a bed to me is important.  It isn’t a purely sexual thing, it’s an intimacy that I crave because it’s warm and loving. For the first time this August he is going to sleep over at my house, and I’m buzzing.  We shared a bed for two nights on a weekend away to York together, and I loved waking up feeling him pressed against my back with his arms around me.  It’s a good feeling where I’m left completely content.

So, I guess the moral of this post is…even if the rule may seem strange, or you don’t agree with it, you have to respect the rules to avoid unnecessary conflicts.  Be mature about it, even if you want to pull your hair out and growl in anguish.

True, I dislike having to say goodnight to him downstairs and then having to trudge gloomily to his room alone, but it isn’t the end of the world.  I can live with it, and so can he.  If it keeps things good with his family then I’ll do it, because they are really good people.  Plus, think of it this way: they are feeding you, letting you use their house and even offering you a warm comfy bed with the privacy needed to dress and undress.  All in all, I can’t argue 🙂

Ulalume Poe

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When were parents given the Divine Right to insult their children?

I am 18, living at home with my parents and jobless currently due to finishing college and awaiting my results so I can move forward.

I am not a perfect daughter, I am well aware.  I am lazy, I don’t like housework, I get grouchy when criticised and I’d rather be on my laptop then in a room where my brother is watching kids TV, my sister is babbling about getting her hair cut and my parents are busy.

However…one thing that makes me the worst version of myself in the entire world…is my parents insulting me without restraint, and my sister will even join in occasionally.

Today my mum called me a ‘Lazy arsehole’, ‘a slob’ and a ‘festering human being’.  In a way, I can understand her frustration.  I got up late, I hadn’t done the dishes, and I wasn’t even dressed.  Fair enough.  Yet, as soon as you insult a teenager, degrade them with words, verbally attack them, follow them around while shouting even when they’re doing what you wanted them to do, or talk to them sarcastically…you have a reluctant teenager who doesn’t even want to lift a finger for you.

Shouting, insulting and screaming at your teenager doesn’t teach them to be better people.  It teaches them all the ways to resent you, and make them do their chores so that you don’t verbally attack them, shout and scream again. They will feel hard done to, disrespected and an isolated member of the family if they feel like you are attacking them.

I don’t even like being in the same room as my parents anymore, because if I say or do something they dislike they won’t talk to me…they’ll shout at me as if I’m stupid, and then lecture me about how they are justified in their shouting.  I repeat: shouting doesn’t teach anything.  It teaches the teenager all the ways to resent you. 

If your teenager feels like you are only going to criticise them, they will stop talking to you, sharing things with you, and will prefer to spend time away from you.  If they act grouchy with you, or touchy and reluctant to do anything you say, reflect on why.  If they don’t want to say, it may be that you have upset them and they think that you don’t value their opinion.

Respect is a two way street.  If parents expect respect, respect the teenager, or else they won’t think there is a valuable reason for them to respect you.  So simple things like invading their privacy, going into their room without knocking and interrogating them…just don’t.  You wouldn’t like it if they did that to you, so don’t do it to them.  Simple.

I’ve tried countless times to seep back into my parents ‘good book’ so to speak, because I’m tired of feeling like the black sheep. I try to keep them in the loop, talk to them, explain myself to them and suggest things to do with them…and they always shout at me, or tell me I’m always grumpy and ask if I want something.

Don’t act suspicious about your child unless you are concerned.  If you are suspicious they’ll feel like you don’t trust them, and will automatically not want to share anything with you at all.

You can’t expect everything and not give them anything back, even if you have brought them into this world, paid for their phone and so on.  Everyone likes to feel appreciated, so every now and then, why not do something they like?  Small things like recording their favourite show, suggesting a shopping trip or buying them their favourite sweet.  If they don’t feel appreciated for doing all their chores, doing their homework, getting good grades etc, then what is the point? Yes, they should be doing those things anyway in your books, but it’s stressful as a teenager, and the occasional ‘How was your day?’ would be appreciated.  Or allowing them some chill time after college to go on their phone, instead of expecting them to be doing the dishes and for the house to be spotless as soon as you come home.

Another thing…don’t forget that as a parent you have to pull your finger out and do things too.  Yes, again, we teenagers understand you go to work, get tired, and want a nice clean house to come home to…but! Why should they do it if you don’t?  You live in the house too, and as a family you all contribute to any mess there may be.  So we teenagers expect you to look after the house too, or we really do feel like Cinderella, or maids.

I understand I am ‘only’ a teenager, and may not understand everything about being a grown up, but as a person I know how I would like to be treated.  Just because you are a parent doesn’t mean you are entitled to be a knob.  You have to listen, be patient, understanding and capable of compromise.  In a lot of ways, it is a relationship.  It is really that simple.  When you divide everything up into what they really are, you begin to realise that things need work. Everything does.

Also, if your teenager gives you attitude, it may be because you are.  Re-evaluate your own tone, and maybe you’ll learn something. If you are a parent reading this in the hunt for information about why your teen is grouchy, full of attitude or unwilling to do anything…this might help you.

I am not perfect, as I have mentioned before, and I know I should do more around the house. However…it’s a two way street.  There are reasons I am reluctant to do more, and I have explained them.

I currently have to do more so my boyfriend can sleep over, and that…again…will piss off a teenager if they feel like you as a parent don’t do enough, or that you are punishing them, and that you don’t respect their feelings…However I intend to set a good example so that my parents realise they should do more, otherwise I am just a maid.

So remember: Be a decent human being, respect is a two way street, you have to work too, listen, and avoid shouting and screaming insults at them.  You might just get a good reaction, because believe it or not, some teenagers want a good relationship with their parents.

Bye for now,

Ulalume Poe

When The Boyfriend Doesn’t Like a Friend

I had this issue when I told him my friend had depression, and was perhaps doing things she shouldn’t be doing…I’ll leave it up to you guys to imagine what those things could be.

He, understandably, was concerned that she may drag me down.  She would be a bad influence and so on.  I’m not a very strong person mentally, but I wanted to stick by her because she was my friend. I wanted to help.

However…she got worse.  These ‘things’ she was doing weren’t helping her depression, and she was being self-destructive. I concluded that I’ll be there for her, and the door is open for her…but it’s her choice whether or not she walks through that door.  I’m not going to jump when she says jump…it’s not fair on me.

This issue with my friend…I’m dealing with.  Not my boyfriend.  People have to remember that it is always your choice with how you deal with your friends, not your boyfriends choice, and so for now…I’m taking a break to get my head together before talking to said friend.

My boyfriend also didn’t like my college friends.  Two of them partied hard, one cheated a lot on her boyfriend, they wanted me to drink despite me not wanting to, and they introduced me to guys who were complete utter shitbags-and they didn’t even seem to see they were shitbags.  Excuse me?  Lying about being a porn star, getting a girl pregnant and then the girl got an abortion?  Would you really lie about that shit?  Plus, this guy asked for naughty pics of me, and my friends still told me he was lovely….WRONG!  I’m in a relationship man, piss off!  My boyfriend got worried because he’s not close by due to the LDR, and so it’s up to me to avoid the dickheads my so called friends would introduce me to.  I agreed to go for a meal with them if the dickhead wasn’t there…only to find out as soon as I got into the car that he was meeting us there.

What friends *rolls eyes*.  It was even worse when I was forced to get a lift with him.

This wasn’t the only reason he didn’t like them.  They made me feel inferior and as if I was only there so they didn’t feel lonely at dinner.  They rarely let me speak my mind freely, because yes I am perverted, but that isn’t really an issue…I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it.

In a lot of ways my boyfriend is right about these friends, and that they are bad for me.  I get it.  I tried to leave them and spend more time with people I liked spending time with…but then the other friends started guilt tripping me.  I’m hoping to fade away from them a little, but one of them I want to keep in touch with because she could be a good friend…she just knew a lot of dicks…

So when your boyfriend doesn’t like a friend…listen to why.  Communicate and talk through why he has an issue, but never let him decide who you can and can’t be friends with.  My boyfriend helped me realise my so called friends were just making me feel bad constantly, and that I shouldn’t allow that to happen, which is true, but I decided to try different options with them in case things got better.  I wish I didn’t.

You should always surround yourself with people who make you happy.  However, you should also be there for the friends who need you.  It’s a tricky balance.