When The Boyfriend Doesn’t Like a Friend

I had this issue when I told him my friend had depression, and was perhaps doing things she shouldn’t be doing…I’ll leave it up to you guys to imagine what those things could be.

He, understandably, was concerned that she may drag me down.  She would be a bad influence and so on.  I’m not a very strong person mentally, but I wanted to stick by her because she was my friend. I wanted to help.

However…she got worse.  These ‘things’ she was doing weren’t helping her depression, and she was being self-destructive. I concluded that I’ll be there for her, and the door is open for her…but it’s her choice whether or not she walks through that door.  I’m not going to jump when she says jump…it’s not fair on me.

This issue with my friend…I’m dealing with.  Not my boyfriend.  People have to remember that it is always your choice with how you deal with your friends, not your boyfriends choice, and so for now…I’m taking a break to get my head together before talking to said friend.

My boyfriend also didn’t like my college friends.  Two of them partied hard, one cheated a lot on her boyfriend, they wanted me to drink despite me not wanting to, and they introduced me to guys who were complete utter shitbags-and they didn’t even seem to see they were shitbags.  Excuse me?  Lying about being a porn star, getting a girl pregnant and then the girl got an abortion?  Would you really lie about that shit?  Plus, this guy asked for naughty pics of me, and my friends still told me he was lovely….WRONG!  I’m in a relationship man, piss off!  My boyfriend got worried because he’s not close by due to the LDR, and so it’s up to me to avoid the dickheads my so called friends would introduce me to.  I agreed to go for a meal with them if the dickhead wasn’t there…only to find out as soon as I got into the car that he was meeting us there.

What friends *rolls eyes*.  It was even worse when I was forced to get a lift with him.

This wasn’t the only reason he didn’t like them.  They made me feel inferior and as if I was only there so they didn’t feel lonely at dinner.  They rarely let me speak my mind freely, because yes I am perverted, but that isn’t really an issue…I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it.

In a lot of ways my boyfriend is right about these friends, and that they are bad for me.  I get it.  I tried to leave them and spend more time with people I liked spending time with…but then the other friends started guilt tripping me.  I’m hoping to fade away from them a little, but one of them I want to keep in touch with because she could be a good friend…she just knew a lot of dicks…

So when your boyfriend doesn’t like a friend…listen to why.  Communicate and talk through why he has an issue, but never let him decide who you can and can’t be friends with.  My boyfriend helped me realise my so called friends were just making me feel bad constantly, and that I shouldn’t allow that to happen, which is true, but I decided to try different options with them in case things got better.  I wish I didn’t.

You should always surround yourself with people who make you happy.  However, you should also be there for the friends who need you.  It’s a tricky balance.

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Expectations of Love: What Was I Thinking?

There’s two expectations I had, originally, and they contrast so differently that it gives me whip lash.  The first was what I had read as a little girl, reading about how the prince saves the woman, and they fall in love instantly and live happily ever after.  It was appealing in more ways than one.  Firstly, it was so darn easy.  Wham, bam: love. The characters seemed happy enough, but Snow White must have been annoyed at some point that Prince Charming or whatever his name is didn’t agree to do his fair amount of chores, or if he would roll over after sex and leave her unsatisfied and seeking help from seven little men. Love isn’t easy.  The books only ever revealed the Falling In Love part of the story, and never went on to explain anything else.

People always seem to say: ‘It was great at first, but it’s not the same anymore.’

Well, I was told by my older sister that there is a honeymoon period in new relationships, where it is eager, new and there’s rainbows and fucking ponies everywhere you look with fields of candy cane!

Maybe I thought the honeymoon period would last forever.  Maybe I wanted a prince to save me from where I was in life, and to whisk me away on his white horse and make me his Queen, where hopefully his parents weren’t too pedantic or desperate to be grandparents.

It looked so good in the books.

My other expectation of love was Love Games.  The Chase.  Broken Hearts until you get to thirty and men seem to grow up a bit and think ‘shit, I’ve been a dick up until now, maybe I should settle down’.  Hell, I’m 18, and yet I was terrified of the thoughts of guys using me for sex, being interested for a week and then disappearing, or saying they would be interested if only I were prettier, funnier, sexier etc.  Not all guys are like this, I know, but they were out there, a horror story all girls knew about and feared.  I had a friend whose mantra was ‘Never trust a man, Never love a man’.  You know why?  Because she had been hurt so many times before, and was scared it would happen again.

The other expectation was to expect failure in all shapes and sizes, and that men were jerks. Sex and The City (a fucking brilliant programme) showed these dicks, and the struggles of finding love and so on.

It’s realistic to some degree, and that’s scary. It screams ‘The world is full of nutjobs, where are all the princes!?!?!’

But let’s be honest…do I really want a prince?

I admit I was saved.  From depression, loneliness and thinking that I was just a blip on the planet.  I was rescued, plonked into a loving persons arms and kissed.  There was no horse.  No shining armor.  He came wearing jeans and a black jacket, smelt delicious, and was wearing the wrong shoes for rainy weather. He came over time…after he broke down my walls and gained my trust.  He became the prince (urgh, to be so cliche and gross about it).  Fairy tales let us believe it’s all so simple, and it would be a relief perhaps for it to be that way, but we always have to ‘try them out’ a little first because hey…we want Mr Right.  Not Mr Right At The Moment Because We’re Desperate.  Snow White wasn’t desperate, she was all innocent and shit. I wonder if she would be so innocent after dating for ten years with no success.

I didn’t want any games.  Heartache.  Crying over how nothing is going to plan.  But hey…it happened, but I’m still in love.  I’d rather have the arguments then to have rainbows and glitter sparkle, because it means we’re real.  We have real issues, real feelings and real ambitions. My ideal relationship wouldn’t be Long Distance, but you can’t pick who you love.  It happens.  Prince Charming or Cute Geek Who Smells Goooood?  I’d always choose the latter, because he’s my man.  He’s not perfect, but neither am I.

I didn’t expect to get excited for a Skype call, to be able to hear his voice after a long day, or to get stupidly happy at receiving his hoodie.  I didn’t expect to feel perfectly at home wherever he is, or to miss him as soon as the train starts to leave the station.  I didn’t expect to cry so easily after an argument because he means so much, and words were said that hurt more than I thought they would.  I never thought that I’d reveal my weird side, my cranky side, my insecure side or to be me with him, for real, because to be yourself with someone is some scary shit.

I never thought that he could say something so insensitive, that I’d go into a mood and think of all the ways I was right and he was wrong, and to find myself more in the wrong than right myself because I’m ruled by my emotions and he’s more often being quite realistic and reasonable.  Dude has intelligence…I’ll win one day XD

So yes.  Love is not what I expected.  It is neither a fairy tale nor an accident waiting to happen that will forever dent my view on love.  It’s real.

We just have to remember that people have feelings, and now and then we have to be wrong, and to be able to compromise.  We have to be more understanding and less selfish, and to be able to understand it’s not going to be perfect.  And why would you want it to be perfect?  It’s more fun an adventure to look back on. ‘Hey, remember that time we argued over who was doing the dishes, and I got so pissed off I chased you around the house threatening to delete your favourite programme off the recorded list?’  It will be something to laugh about.  It will be something to learn from.

Yes, maybe at the time it was the worst thing in the world, but hey…there’s more to life then clean dishes…but it is a good place to start.  Just make sure it’s a shared knowledge that the dishes have to be done.  Team work 🙂

But before I start rambling about dishes…bye for now, and I’ll be back to post later! Happy loving!

The Frustration When He Doesn’t Apologise

I’ve had this a lot, and unfortunately, my man struggles to apologise.  He prefers to think about it first, before just saying it, which honestly, when I think about it…I appreciate it more.  However, my issue is whether or not he will in fact apologise.

I won’t act all high and mighty about anything, because I’ve had my mood swings where he’s probably had his head in his hands, thinking ‘here we go again’, but more often or not I only get moody or over-dramatic if I’ve been hurt, and I’ve told him, and he’s done nothing about it.

He seems to think gliding over the topic will help, and after my confession about whatever is upsetting me, I expect more than that.  I expect him to take ownership of why he’s upset me, and to make it better.  Ignoring the issue because you don’t want to ‘argue’ is bullshit. Ignoring me, and changing the topic, just makes me think that my feelings don’t matter, and that is like a kick in the teeth.

It usually takes me a day to admit what upsets me.  An entire blasted day, due to the thoughts in my head telling me that maybe it doesn’t matter, maybe I’m being petty…perhaps I’ll feel okay after a cup of tea, or if I bring up this topic he’ll get defensive and we’ll fight.

But the other half of my brain says: Wake the fuck up.  If he cares, he’ll listen.  He’ll make it better.  He’ll apologise.

Yet, once I’ve followed through with telling him what’s wrong, since communication is awesome and all, he…ignores…me.  Here’s the best part.  If he thinks I’m in a mood, he threatens not to text me for a few days…

Am I going insane?  Or did he just totally disregard my feelings as if they meant nothing to him whatsoever? Am I meant to take this?  No.  So here’s what I did. I told him I didn’t appreciate being ignored, and that I’ll not be texting so he can think about things, and then maybe we’ll talk later.  And you know what?  I don’t feel better for it.  He’s not texting me, I’m not texting him, and I’m worrying over if he is taking me seriously or not, and if he even cares that he upset me.  Site after site will say ‘don’t text first, wait, he’ll get the hint’, but this is one stubborn man I’m dealing with, and I always think that if I text first it means I care more, and he’ll win.

But it’s not about winning.  It isn’t supposed to be.

We’re meant to be a team, and yet he’s ignoring my feelings and refusing to apologise. What kind of team is that when the team members can’t even support each other?

I apologise when needed.  No issues there, but he…I sometimes want to bash him about the head to force out a genuine apology, because my God I deserve one right now.  If you deserve an apology, he better fucking give one.

He can do it simply with words, or if he’s non-verbal and struggles to let his man pride take a back seat, he can get flowers or make you some hot chocolate in bed or something. As long as I know he’s sorry, I’m good, but he has to make me believe it…My other issue is he has to actually say it to me, because we’re in a long distance relationship, so he has to.  I can’t see him constantly, so he Has. To. Say. It. Otherwise…how am I supposed to know?

Yet…maybe it isn’t solely the lack of apology I need right now, but to have felt some level of interest and understanding from my partner, instead of him just not seeming to care.  I know some guys don’t like to talk through issues, or have long conversations about ‘feelings’, but if you don’t seem to give a fuck, the girl is going to question how deep your own feelings for her are. You may be certain of his love for you, but then he upsets you and doesn’t seem to care…and it rocks you slightly, because…well…if he cared as much as you had originally thought, he would be showing it, yes?

Yes.

And that is why I am frustrated right now.

Sorry for the rant people, but a rant is healthy every now and then XD

Update: he apologised, and now I’m sheepishly looking over my rant with my head in my hands…oh dear…um…shit. He actually apologised…didn’t really expect it to happen for real…0-0 currently feeling guilty for ranting

The Importance of That First Picture Together

Most of my friends have that picture with their significant other as their home screen wallpaper on their phones, and all the while I would sit there, wishing I had the same.  Due to my forgetful nature, and the fact I only see my boyfriend twice a month due to the fifty miles between us, I had never gotten a picture of us until recently.

It was important to me, obviously, because the thought of being able to see the man I love everyday, even if it was on my phone, was something I needed. It wasn’t because all my friends had it…I only envied them for a while because they had it and they didn’t seem to realise how important it was…

When my boyfriend finally remembered we needed a photo (and I had failed to remember yet again), it was when we were at the train station, and his train was rolling in.  It was a moment torn between ‘get on your freaking train before you miss it!’ and ‘get the camera out right now!’.  He shoved his phone in my hand, and since I couldn’t quite reach the button with my thumb to take it, he had to press the button while I held the phone in place.  I’m ridiculously proud of the fact that we took the picture together, and even though the picture is slightly grainy, I love it to bits. I love the way we fit together, and how close we are.  Seeing it makes me smile, and it…kinda makes it easier.

It makes it easier when I can’t turn around and start talking to him, and when I need my cuddle but he’s not there to snuggle with.  It makes it easier, despite the cold distance, to be able to see a picture of us together, happy.  It’s a reminder that it’s all worth it.

Since that first picture together we have more, and even videos.  It’s all happy memories, and I am incredibly happy to have them on my phone and my laptop…and my memory stick XD Simply because it’s us.  So next time your girl wants a picture, or your friends want to see one or whatever…just get one.  Or twenty!