Respecting His Mother’s ‘No Bed Sharing Rule’

I love my boyfriend’s parents.  Absolutely adore them.  They are warm, welcoming, chilled out and good fun, and so I often love seeing his parents as well as seeing my boyfriend.  Though it was hard to get over the fact his mum called me ‘babes’ the first time we met, and that they actually liked me, I got very comfortable very quickly.

My mum always told me before meeting his parents: ‘become his mum’s best friend’.  This is a very natural rule in my mind, because I don’t want to be his mum’s enemy or to find myself butting heads with her…I wanted to be her friend or at least be on decent terms for my boyfriend’s sake, but also for mine XD

Thankfully she really likes me from what my boyfriend has told me, and the same for his dad. However, we came across a certain ‘rule’ that at first, made me enraged.

My dad had already given us a rule where my boyfriend couldn’t stay over until six months had passed, so another rule felt unfair.  We see each other twice a month, or more or less depending on how much money we have, so each moment together is special.  Rules on top of the limited amount of time we can spend together was just…deflating.

This new rule was that even when I could sleep over at my boyfriend’s house, he had to take the sofa while I slept in his bed. My first thoughts were ‘why?!?!’, and ‘but as a couple we should be allowed, shouldn’t we?!?!’.

I asked him to ask her why, which was a wrong move because it only pressures him unfairly.  He flat-out refused to ask her, since if that was her only rule then so be it.  Admittedly, I have to agree that it is fair.  His mother has a strong belief that you shouldn’t share a bed until marriage, due to her religious beliefs or something, I don’t know, but I have to respect her wishes.  It’s her son afterall, the ‘I’m his girlfriend‘ line has no power here XD

So if I can’t share a bed with him in his parents house, I’ll have to deal with it, no matter how much I dislike it. Who knows, maybe she’ll see we respect her rule and will allow it one day, but if she doesn’t…so be it.

However we are allowed to share a bed outside of his parents house, thankfully.  Sharing a bed to me is important.  It isn’t a purely sexual thing, it’s an intimacy that I crave because it’s warm and loving. For the first time this August he is going to sleep over at my house, and I’m buzzing.  We shared a bed for two nights on a weekend away to York together, and I loved waking up feeling him pressed against my back with his arms around me.  It’s a good feeling where I’m left completely content.

So, I guess the moral of this post is…even if the rule may seem strange, or you don’t agree with it, you have to respect the rules to avoid unnecessary conflicts.  Be mature about it, even if you want to pull your hair out and growl in anguish.

True, I dislike having to say goodnight to him downstairs and then having to trudge gloomily to his room alone, but it isn’t the end of the world.  I can live with it, and so can he.  If it keeps things good with his family then I’ll do it, because they are really good people.  Plus, think of it this way: they are feeding you, letting you use their house and even offering you a warm comfy bed with the privacy needed to dress and undress.  All in all, I can’t argue 🙂

Ulalume Poe

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Some Rules I’ve Made For Myself When Arguing With The Boyfriend

I’m a difficult girlfriend, it’s true.  Terrifyingly so.

I do not respond to criticism well, I’m stubborn, I get moody and I’m sensitive.  Plus, I have terrible confidence issues and over think a lot.  So overall, I’m quite the package when I’m not at my best.  So after a recent argument that could have been completely avoided if I had not been a moody and hyper sensitive nutjob, I made myself a few rules.

I’m well aware of my flaws (hence why I over think a lot), and because I love my boyfriend I’m willing to make changes because…who the hell likes to argue with the person/people they care about? So here we go!

1.) Eat something

Sometimes when I’m hungry, or I’m low on sugar, I turn into the grouchy evil version of myself, where if you say anything even the slightest bit annoying or insensitive, then I am definitely going to be a pain in the ass about it. So, a cup of tea and biscuits are a quick fix, or if it’s a severe case of a terrible mood, an entire meal might be needed if I’m really hungry XD

I’ve done random Google searches on how food affects mood, and amazingly, it’s a thing.

Check out: http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/how-food-affects-your-moods

Or check out: http://www.everydayhealth.com/news/ways-food-affects-your-mood/

Both sites look into how food affects moods and so on, and is really quite insightful and enlightening, so it may be worth looking into.

Ps – I’m still getting to grips with this site, so if I’ve done something stupid with the links by just copying and pasting it here, please tell me!

2.) Don’t rise to the bait

It takes two people to argue, no doubt about it. If one person is shouting and the other is having none of it, then the shouter will eventually get bored: fact. A tip for these situations is to say ‘I don’t want to argue’, and to just keep saying it, or to leave them to their own bad mood. More often than not, they’ll realise that they were being unfair or overly aggressive in their approach.  Most arguments, I’ve found personally, can be completely avoided if you both realise that shouting will get you nowhere, and so to just discuss the issues like civilised people.

3.) Don’t play the Blame Game

Okay, okay…I get it. I get in a bad mood, and then blame him because he said something hurtful or insensitive.  It happens. But I read on a site a long, long time ago that you should never be arguing about what the boyfriend did in the summer of 1993 whenever another argument pops up.  So another little tip: Only argue about things that have happened in the past week.  Keep it relevant. Arguing is not point scoring, because that is just immature and will get no one anywhere, ever. It might be hard not to when he brings out the big guns and tries to stack up on points, but don’t play into his hands.  Take the higher ground. Try saying that you are not going to point score, and that you want to talk about the issue at hand.

4.) Avoid swearing or Insults

No one likes to be sworn at or insulted, ever.  Especially when it’s your boyfriend, or even if it’s yourself doing the swearing and insulting! People regret letting their anger get in the way and hurting the other person. It’s not a nice feeling for either of you. Plus, then it may bring on a whole new world of arguing: the hurt game. Who can hurt the other more?  Now that’s unhealthy, and destructive.

Swearing, although reflective of your frustration and anger, instantly puts the other person on the defensive and willing to swear right back.  It’s the same with insults, although if there’s only one person ever insulting the other…there’s a big issue.  They need to change their act, or else someone is going to feel unloved, disrespected and resentful.

However, if swearing and insults do come into the argument, always apologise.  Always.  Takes two to argue, so take responsibility and apologise.

5.) Look at things from their point of view

My issue is that I am stubborn and feel sorry for myself.  I focus on the wrong that he is doing to me, and forget that sometimes he might not understand, or that I’ve been doing wrong to him.  It’s easy to get selfish when we’re hurt because we’re on the defensive, but we have to take a step back and look at the situation from a different perspective.  Maybe you feel hurt because he forgot a Skype Date, or he said something thoughtless that hurt your feelings…well maybe he forgot because he was busy, got pulled away by other responsibilities and wotnot, and that thing he said that hurt your feelings?  Perhaps you misunderstood, or he said it wrong, or perhaps he’s already in a foul mood and took it out on you.

Whatever the case, find the root of what happened, and work from there.  Most of the time it might be trivial, or a whole misunderstanding.

6.) Take a break from arguing

Breathe!  If you feel like you are going nowhere, and things are getting worse, just take a step back or take a walk. Sometimes we need a Time Out to realise a few things.  Most of the time when I take a break I realise that either I’m wrong (which is mostly the case) or I’ll realise he is and he owes me an apology…however if we argued I should apologise too I believe, because hey…TAKES TWO TO ARGUE!

Never go ‘For a drive’ when you’re angry because this can be dangerous.  Go for a walk.  Always.

7.) Avoid texting long paragraphs or lectures

Due to my Long Distance Relationship our arguments are mostly over text…everyone hates it when parents etc lecture us, and long text paragraphs are lectures.  It’s long and a bombardment of negatives that may make your boyfriend/girlfriend feel attacked and it can take a kick to their confidence.

If you lecture your partner on all the things they do wrong, it’s not nice.  If you’re arguing, keep it direct, relevant and simple.  If you do this it can be easier to wade through to the issue, rather than sit there on our phones sighing, or sitting there receiving an ear full not wanting to listen.

8.) Question why you are arguing

Is it even worth arguing?  Is the whole mess worth the original point you were arguing about?  Sometimes, admittedly, I lose track of what I was angry about in the first place because I’m too upset over his reaction and so on…so a tip is to write down your original reason you’re arguing.  It might sound stupid, but it may help you realise something.

If it’s over something silly, just drop the argument and talk through to find a solution.  If you have a real reason to argue…make sure you’re clear on why, and follow all other tips!

9.) Question if you are currently frustrated by other matters

Work was hard and long, there’s a stubborn stain on your favourite shirt and some idiot on the road beeped at you for no apparent reason…if you are having a bad day and you are bottling it all up, it can be easy to take it out on your partner.  I’ve had this: a bad family day out, my sister being a rude bitch and my parents interrogating me over what I’m doing with my life…it was easy to finally dump all my anger on my boyfriend when he said anything slightly annoying or insensitive.

But it is NEVER right to take out your anger on OTHERS.  Ever!

So if this is the case, apologise, explain yourself, and try to work out a solution.  Hugs might help!  And a cuppa tea and a biscuit…

10.) Once the argument is over, it’s over!

Holding a grudge is like letting someone live in your head rent free’ – my boyfriend told me this before we had even met over text, and really, it’s one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received.

Holding a grudge, firstly, means that negative feelings linger, and you’re just hurting yourself even more. Plus, it does nothing.  Nothing happens if you hold a grudge.

So, instead of sulking, giving the stupid silent treatment, or trying to ‘punish’ the other by putting on a sex ban, hiding the Xbox controller or just being pure nasty to be around…just let it go.  If he apologised, or she apologised, then let it go.

You’ll get over it.

11.) Don’t read too much into things

I’m sensitive, I think I mentioned this before?

For example, my boyfriend told me to work on riding him during sex, and my reaction was ‘OMFG I’M TERRIBLE AT SEX, I’M HORRIFIED!’

Yeah…I went to the extreme, when really, he just wanted a more enjoyable sex life, and that isn’t a crime.  Besides, I knew I had to work on it, and he was willing to help, so the issue?  My sensitivity.

Try to see things for what they are, in a simple manner.  Avoid going to extremes.

12.) Don’t sulk afterwards or be a downer

Even if you’re not holding a grudge, the aftermath of a fight sucks because arguments hurt.  However, when it’s over it’s over, and maybe it’s true that you may still be upset, and that’s natural and understandable.  Yet, you should make an effort to be nice to be around, and to try patching things up so you can go back to how you were before the fight.

Or, if things were really bad and you really are upset…it will take a time to get into the swing of things perhaps, and maybe you need an apology that you haven’t received yet, or your partner is acting like nothing happened or that it was all your fault.  If this is the case, talk to them, or even seek help if the relationship is already rocky.

13.) Don’t feel sorry for yourself

I’m guilty of this…I’m narrow-minded in arguments, and so it’s easy for me to throw my hands up and say ‘You don’t care about me’, ‘so I’m a bad person’ and so on…however, this is just unhealthy for you and the relationship.

If you want to have a Pity Party, take some time for yourself, or get over yourself.

Either cheer up and get on with it, or take a breather on your own.  Remember, the other person might just be craving the normality of how you were before, and seeing you pitying yourself is a turnoff…a total turnoff.

14.) Hold back a little on your feelings

I always seem to give an essay about my feelings.  ‘I feel’ is something I say a lot, and as much as my feelings do matter, sometimes it just needs to be direct, simple and relevant! Don’t beat about the bush, writing an essay or something…it comes across as one-sided and lecturing.

So if that one ickle word made you feel a bombardment of things…try to find a simple way to say it.

15.) Don’t interrogate

This is aggressive in all honesty, and the partner will be on the defensive again.  Some questions are fine, but if you’re throwing them at the poor dear then hold back! No one likes to feel like they are being intruded on with no mercy.

16.) Address the real issue

Just get it sorted out.  If you waste time on tiny details that don’t matter, then you’re spending longer on a process that no one likes.  Arguing is horrid…for me it knocks my confidence, makes me insecure for a while and makes me slightly fretful in the slightest change of tone or mood.

It’s just bad.

17.) Let him speak

He has a right to speak, he’s in this relationship too! Let him say how he feels, or again, it’s all one-sided and he’s going to feel attacked.  He’ll just give up eventually.  He deserves to be listened to, no exceptions!

You may learn something, or find the root of the real issue, but either way it’s important.  You can’t trample on his voice.

18.) Exercise

It’s true, it helps!  It’s a nice outlet for any frustration and anger, and burns away wibbly wobbly bits you want to get rid of! Double win, and enjoyable.

19.) Apologise

I’ve said this throughout the post, but it’s important.  If you both argue, apologise.  Otherwise someone is going to feel resentful and unloved, or another argument may follow.  Also, while we’re on the subject: FUCKING MEAN IT! I did not give a heart-felt apology just for you to give a half-arsed one in return! Give me a real one!

However, that’s all for now XD

Ulalume Poe

The Importance Of Foreplay

To all the guys out there that skip it, or roll their eyes or even think it’s a chore…GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.  Foreplay is important, and the bottom line is, it feels amazing, and can make sex even more amazing.

You need foreplay to get her in the mood, wet enough for penetration, and feeling loved and aroused.  If you just climb on top of her, have sex and then wonder off without so much as a cuddle afterwards, she may feel used and unsatisfied. Try having sex and not having an orgasm, and then think about how you feel.  Are you unsatisfied?  Wanting more?

Yes?

Then maybe that’s how a woman feels when she is not receiving some proper loving.  Most women cannot orgasm from penetrative sex alone, and this is perfectly normal.  Most women, if not all women, love stimulation prior to sex.  We love caressing, kissing, fondling, fingering and oral sex. Our orgasms are important too.

You see, sex is for you as a couple.  It should never be one-sided or else someone may end up feeling resentful.  So, before you drop you trousers and make your desires heard, think about what she may like, what she does like.  Maybe it’s true that she loves something you do during sex, but…it could be a heightened experience made more enjoyable if you take the time to fully arouse her.

Also, another point is that sometimes, if she is not well lubricated enough, it is uncomfortable, and sometimes she may be wary during sex that something down there is going to *coughs* rip.  Also, it is dangerous if she is not wet enough, because if there is too much friction the condom may come off, and if you do not want to get pregnant…a nightmare may unfurl.  If you men are reading this and shaking your heads at this, thinking it all nonsense and that foreplay is a waste of time…shame on you.   If you care about your girlfriend, wife etc, then you should care about her pleasure.  Take the time to make her feel appreciated, or you may just find yourself not having sex for a long time, or that she becomes unresponsive and unwilling. She may even think about not giving you the pleasure she usually gives you, because she feels like she is getting nothing back.

So to avoid all this, and to enjoy sex completely…foreplay goes a long way.  Ask each other what feels good, and what you would both like to try. Communication is key.  Spontaneous sex is good too, but foreplay is a must!  If you are a woman reading this and want your man to understand why you need a little bit of warming up before sex, educate him.  Or if you are a man needing foreplay, tell your spouse why you need it! Whether it’s emotional needs or physical, if you need something to feel good don’t be afraid to make it known, because sex is meant be enjoyable for both of you, not just the man, or just the woman.

Happy foreplay folks!

Ulalume Poe

Tied up and blindfolded: Is it worth the hype?

Before the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey‘ fascination with bondage, I was already intrigued by the topic of being tied down and blindfolded during sex, but since I was a shy and awkward individual, I never really spoke up about my desires with anyone since it was…a ‘dirty’ fetish of mine.  Plus, why was I so intrigued by this?  Was it the fact that I was being dominated?  Having my man ravish me in a moment of intimacy that made my senses alert and awake to every touch?  Or was it because I was just curious about it, wanted to try it out and just put a tick next to it on my ‘To Do List’?

In magazines it was everywhere…how to spice up life in the bedroom?  There most certainly would be bondage in there, but why?

After having my boyfriend tie me up and blindfold me…I can most definitely say it’s worth it.  Just watching him as he tied me up sparked arousal inside me, and it opened up a certain vulnerability that made me crave more.  My breasts felt exposed, free for him to fondle lovingly, and once blindfolded I was completely aware of his every touch.  For me, I normally don’t like it when I close my eyes for people because I hate surprises, but this was something entirely different.  Due to me trusting my boyfriend entirely, I felt very comfortable and safe just laying there, unable to see him or move my arms.

The first thing I realised, was that this allowed him to discover new parts of me that made me feel good.  As he kissed down my body I noticed that I was sensitive in certain areas that I didn’t expect, and I certainly wouldn’t have known otherwise because normally I might have stopped him, especially since it was my stomach and I didn’t see it as a kissable part of me.  Nor did I even think it would feel remotely satisfying to be kissed there.

I have to point out, also, that I forgot entirely about my body hangups during this intimate foreplay, as I was focussed on him and only him.  Admittedly it was a relief to forget all about my uncomfortable views upon him seeing my pudgy tummy or wibbly wobbly thighs and stretch marks, and it was nice to just settle back and enjoy myself. Nice to just feel good, which was easy to do because he made sure to make me feel good.

Teasing, however is something that works very well with being blindfolded I found.  You have to remember that he’s probably enjoying himself to high heaven watching you moan and gasp at his touch, and so he might be devilish in his enjoyment and really take his time.  It’s so intimate to feel where his kisses and caresses lead, and because you may tense or your breathing may increase, he’ll know exactly what he’s doing to you.  One thing that really got me was that I couldn’t kiss him during this, which I love during foreplay and sex because it’s so intimate and gives a chance for eye contact in between.  Yet he knew this…and so gave me a surprise kiss when I least expected it, which left me wanting more…the bugger!

I also want to announce how good oral is during this.  Having him go down on you whilst you’re tied up is just HOT.  There’s no other way to explain the sexual frustration of having your pleasure build up while he’s down there teasing the hell out of your clitoris. Since all the attention is focussed on pleasuring you, you will get satisfied.  It’s a guarantee.  Even if you don’t reach orgasm, it is still intense and satisfying, because you are getting that much needed clitoral stimulation that is sometimes missed perhaps.

After all this teasing and built up pleasure, it was hot to finally have the blindfold removed and to see my man, horny as hell.  Knowing that he enjoyed it too was not only a relief, but a huge fulfillment because it made me feel less selfish about being pleasured. It made me feel that I had also done something for him, despite me just being flat on my back moaning.  It was a moment that might have been most intimate of all then, because we were both more than ready for a much needed make out session and to go straight into passionate sex. That’s it; the humongous amount of passion afterwards was almost magical, because it felt like we were almost starved for each other.  Needing each other completely, and to urgently touch each other and enjoy ourselves.

What I find most important though, is not only did it feel absolutely satisfying, but I also felt closer to my man afterwards, and more comfortable with the idea of being tied up and blindfolded again.  I felt more confident perhaps too, and more willing to ask things of him during sex, because after all…my pleasure is important too, and if I enjoyed it…we are definitely doing it again!

So that is why being tied up and blindfolded is worth it, so the next time you find yourself musing over it, I gently urge you to consider trying it out.