Respecting His Mother’s ‘No Bed Sharing Rule’

I love my boyfriend’s parents.  Absolutely adore them.  They are warm, welcoming, chilled out and good fun, and so I often love seeing his parents as well as seeing my boyfriend.  Though it was hard to get over the fact his mum called me ‘babes’ the first time we met, and that they actually liked me, I got very comfortable very quickly.

My mum always told me before meeting his parents: ‘become his mum’s best friend’.  This is a very natural rule in my mind, because I don’t want to be his mum’s enemy or to find myself butting heads with her…I wanted to be her friend or at least be on decent terms for my boyfriend’s sake, but also for mine XD

Thankfully she really likes me from what my boyfriend has told me, and the same for his dad. However, we came across a certain ‘rule’ that at first, made me enraged.

My dad had already given us a rule where my boyfriend couldn’t stay over until six months had passed, so another rule felt unfair.  We see each other twice a month, or more or less depending on how much money we have, so each moment together is special.  Rules on top of the limited amount of time we can spend together was just…deflating.

This new rule was that even when I could sleep over at my boyfriend’s house, he had to take the sofa while I slept in his bed. My first thoughts were ‘why?!?!’, and ‘but as a couple we should be allowed, shouldn’t we?!?!’.

I asked him to ask her why, which was a wrong move because it only pressures him unfairly.  He flat-out refused to ask her, since if that was her only rule then so be it.  Admittedly, I have to agree that it is fair.  His mother has a strong belief that you shouldn’t share a bed until marriage, due to her religious beliefs or something, I don’t know, but I have to respect her wishes.  It’s her son afterall, the ‘I’m his girlfriend‘ line has no power here XD

So if I can’t share a bed with him in his parents house, I’ll have to deal with it, no matter how much I dislike it. Who knows, maybe she’ll see we respect her rule and will allow it one day, but if she doesn’t…so be it.

However we are allowed to share a bed outside of his parents house, thankfully.  Sharing a bed to me is important.  It isn’t a purely sexual thing, it’s an intimacy that I crave because it’s warm and loving. For the first time this August he is going to sleep over at my house, and I’m buzzing.  We shared a bed for two nights on a weekend away to York together, and I loved waking up feeling him pressed against my back with his arms around me.  It’s a good feeling where I’m left completely content.

So, I guess the moral of this post is…even if the rule may seem strange, or you don’t agree with it, you have to respect the rules to avoid unnecessary conflicts.  Be mature about it, even if you want to pull your hair out and growl in anguish.

True, I dislike having to say goodnight to him downstairs and then having to trudge gloomily to his room alone, but it isn’t the end of the world.  I can live with it, and so can he.  If it keeps things good with his family then I’ll do it, because they are really good people.  Plus, think of it this way: they are feeding you, letting you use their house and even offering you a warm comfy bed with the privacy needed to dress and undress.  All in all, I can’t argue 🙂

Ulalume Poe

Some Rules I’ve Made For Myself When Arguing With The Boyfriend

I’m a difficult girlfriend, it’s true.  Terrifyingly so.

I do not respond to criticism well, I’m stubborn, I get moody and I’m sensitive.  Plus, I have terrible confidence issues and over think a lot.  So overall, I’m quite the package when I’m not at my best.  So after a recent argument that could have been completely avoided if I had not been a moody and hyper sensitive nutjob, I made myself a few rules.

I’m well aware of my flaws (hence why I over think a lot), and because I love my boyfriend I’m willing to make changes because…who the hell likes to argue with the person/people they care about? So here we go!

1.) Eat something

Sometimes when I’m hungry, or I’m low on sugar, I turn into the grouchy evil version of myself, where if you say anything even the slightest bit annoying or insensitive, then I am definitely going to be a pain in the ass about it. So, a cup of tea and biscuits are a quick fix, or if it’s a severe case of a terrible mood, an entire meal might be needed if I’m really hungry XD

I’ve done random Google searches on how food affects mood, and amazingly, it’s a thing.

Check out: http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/how-food-affects-your-moods

Or check out: http://www.everydayhealth.com/news/ways-food-affects-your-mood/

Both sites look into how food affects moods and so on, and is really quite insightful and enlightening, so it may be worth looking into.

Ps – I’m still getting to grips with this site, so if I’ve done something stupid with the links by just copying and pasting it here, please tell me!

2.) Don’t rise to the bait

It takes two people to argue, no doubt about it. If one person is shouting and the other is having none of it, then the shouter will eventually get bored: fact. A tip for these situations is to say ‘I don’t want to argue’, and to just keep saying it, or to leave them to their own bad mood. More often than not, they’ll realise that they were being unfair or overly aggressive in their approach.  Most arguments, I’ve found personally, can be completely avoided if you both realise that shouting will get you nowhere, and so to just discuss the issues like civilised people.

3.) Don’t play the Blame Game

Okay, okay…I get it. I get in a bad mood, and then blame him because he said something hurtful or insensitive.  It happens. But I read on a site a long, long time ago that you should never be arguing about what the boyfriend did in the summer of 1993 whenever another argument pops up.  So another little tip: Only argue about things that have happened in the past week.  Keep it relevant. Arguing is not point scoring, because that is just immature and will get no one anywhere, ever. It might be hard not to when he brings out the big guns and tries to stack up on points, but don’t play into his hands.  Take the higher ground. Try saying that you are not going to point score, and that you want to talk about the issue at hand.

4.) Avoid swearing or Insults

No one likes to be sworn at or insulted, ever.  Especially when it’s your boyfriend, or even if it’s yourself doing the swearing and insulting! People regret letting their anger get in the way and hurting the other person. It’s not a nice feeling for either of you. Plus, then it may bring on a whole new world of arguing: the hurt game. Who can hurt the other more?  Now that’s unhealthy, and destructive.

Swearing, although reflective of your frustration and anger, instantly puts the other person on the defensive and willing to swear right back.  It’s the same with insults, although if there’s only one person ever insulting the other…there’s a big issue.  They need to change their act, or else someone is going to feel unloved, disrespected and resentful.

However, if swearing and insults do come into the argument, always apologise.  Always.  Takes two to argue, so take responsibility and apologise.

5.) Look at things from their point of view

My issue is that I am stubborn and feel sorry for myself.  I focus on the wrong that he is doing to me, and forget that sometimes he might not understand, or that I’ve been doing wrong to him.  It’s easy to get selfish when we’re hurt because we’re on the defensive, but we have to take a step back and look at the situation from a different perspective.  Maybe you feel hurt because he forgot a Skype Date, or he said something thoughtless that hurt your feelings…well maybe he forgot because he was busy, got pulled away by other responsibilities and wotnot, and that thing he said that hurt your feelings?  Perhaps you misunderstood, or he said it wrong, or perhaps he’s already in a foul mood and took it out on you.

Whatever the case, find the root of what happened, and work from there.  Most of the time it might be trivial, or a whole misunderstanding.

6.) Take a break from arguing

Breathe!  If you feel like you are going nowhere, and things are getting worse, just take a step back or take a walk. Sometimes we need a Time Out to realise a few things.  Most of the time when I take a break I realise that either I’m wrong (which is mostly the case) or I’ll realise he is and he owes me an apology…however if we argued I should apologise too I believe, because hey…TAKES TWO TO ARGUE!

Never go ‘For a drive’ when you’re angry because this can be dangerous.  Go for a walk.  Always.

7.) Avoid texting long paragraphs or lectures

Due to my Long Distance Relationship our arguments are mostly over text…everyone hates it when parents etc lecture us, and long text paragraphs are lectures.  It’s long and a bombardment of negatives that may make your boyfriend/girlfriend feel attacked and it can take a kick to their confidence.

If you lecture your partner on all the things they do wrong, it’s not nice.  If you’re arguing, keep it direct, relevant and simple.  If you do this it can be easier to wade through to the issue, rather than sit there on our phones sighing, or sitting there receiving an ear full not wanting to listen.

8.) Question why you are arguing

Is it even worth arguing?  Is the whole mess worth the original point you were arguing about?  Sometimes, admittedly, I lose track of what I was angry about in the first place because I’m too upset over his reaction and so on…so a tip is to write down your original reason you’re arguing.  It might sound stupid, but it may help you realise something.

If it’s over something silly, just drop the argument and talk through to find a solution.  If you have a real reason to argue…make sure you’re clear on why, and follow all other tips!

9.) Question if you are currently frustrated by other matters

Work was hard and long, there’s a stubborn stain on your favourite shirt and some idiot on the road beeped at you for no apparent reason…if you are having a bad day and you are bottling it all up, it can be easy to take it out on your partner.  I’ve had this: a bad family day out, my sister being a rude bitch and my parents interrogating me over what I’m doing with my life…it was easy to finally dump all my anger on my boyfriend when he said anything slightly annoying or insensitive.

But it is NEVER right to take out your anger on OTHERS.  Ever!

So if this is the case, apologise, explain yourself, and try to work out a solution.  Hugs might help!  And a cuppa tea and a biscuit…

10.) Once the argument is over, it’s over!

‘Holding a grudge is like letting someone live in your head rent free’ – my boyfriend told me this before we had even met over text, and really, it’s one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received.

Holding a grudge, firstly, means that negative feelings linger, and you’re just hurting yourself even more. Plus, it does nothing.  Nothing happens if you hold a grudge.

So, instead of sulking, giving the stupid silent treatment, or trying to ‘punish’ the other by putting on a sex ban, hiding the Xbox controller or just being pure nasty to be around…just let it go.  If he apologised, or she apologised, then let it go.

You’ll get over it.

11.) Don’t read too much into things

I’m sensitive, I think I mentioned this before?

For example, my boyfriend told me to work on riding him during sex, and my reaction was ‘OMFG I’M TERRIBLE AT SEX, I’M HORRIFIED!’

Yeah…I went to the extreme, when really, he just wanted a more enjoyable sex life, and that isn’t a crime.  Besides, I knew I had to work on it, and he was willing to help, so the issue?  My sensitivity.

Try to see things for what they are, in a simple manner.  Avoid going to extremes.

12.) Don’t sulk afterwards or be a downer

Even if you’re not holding a grudge, the aftermath of a fight sucks because arguments hurt.  However, when it’s over it’s over, and maybe it’s true that you may still be upset, and that’s natural and understandable.  Yet, you should make an effort to be nice to be around, and to try patching things up so you can go back to how you were before the fight.

Or, if things were really bad and you really are upset…it will take a time to get into the swing of things perhaps, and maybe you need an apology that you haven’t received yet, or your partner is acting like nothing happened or that it was all your fault.  If this is the case, talk to them, or even seek help if the relationship is already rocky.

13.) Don’t feel sorry for yourself

I’m guilty of this…I’m narrow-minded in arguments, and so it’s easy for me to throw my hands up and say ‘You don’t care about me’, ‘so I’m a bad person’ and so on…however, this is just unhealthy for you and the relationship.

If you want to have a Pity Party, take some time for yourself, or get over yourself.

Either cheer up and get on with it, or take a breather on your own.  Remember, the other person might just be craving the normality of how you were before, and seeing you pitying yourself is a turnoff…a total turnoff.

14.) Hold back a little on your feelings

I always seem to give an essay about my feelings.  ‘I feel’ is something I say a lot, and as much as my feelings do matter, sometimes it just needs to be direct, simple and relevant! Don’t beat about the bush, writing an essay or something…it comes across as one-sided and lecturing.

So if that one ickle word made you feel a bombardment of things…try to find a simple way to say it.

15.) Don’t interrogate

This is aggressive in all honesty, and the partner will be on the defensive again.  Some questions are fine, but if you’re throwing them at the poor dear then hold back! No one likes to feel like they are being intruded on with no mercy.

16.) Address the real issue

Just get it sorted out.  If you waste time on tiny details that don’t matter, then you’re spending longer on a process that no one likes.  Arguing is horrid…for me it knocks my confidence, makes me insecure for a while and makes me slightly fretful in the slightest change of tone or mood.

It’s just bad.

17.) Let him speak

He has a right to speak, he’s in this relationship too! Let him say how he feels, or again, it’s all one-sided and he’s going to feel attacked.  He’ll just give up eventually.  He deserves to be listened to, no exceptions!

You may learn something, or find the root of the real issue, but either way it’s important.  You can’t trample on his voice.

18.) Exercise

It’s true, it helps!  It’s a nice outlet for any frustration and anger, and burns away wibbly wobbly bits you want to get rid of! Double win, and enjoyable.

19.) Apologise

I’ve said this throughout the post, but it’s important.  If you both argue, apologise.  Otherwise someone is going to feel resentful and unloved, or another argument may follow.  Also, while we’re on the subject: FUCKING MEAN IT! I did not give a heart-felt apology just for you to give a half-arsed one in return! Give me a real one!

However, that’s all for now XD

Ulalume Poe

When were parents given the Divine Right to insult their children?

I am 18, living at home with my parents and jobless currently due to finishing college and awaiting my results so I can move forward.

I am not a perfect daughter, I am well aware.  I am lazy, I don’t like housework, I get grouchy when criticised and I’d rather be on my laptop then in a room where my brother is watching kids TV, my sister is babbling about getting her hair cut and my parents are busy.

However…one thing that makes me the worst version of myself in the entire world…is my parents insulting me without restraint, and my sister will even join in occasionally.

Today my mum called me a ‘Lazy arsehole’, ‘a slob’ and a ‘festering human being’.  In a way, I can understand her frustration.  I got up late, I hadn’t done the dishes, and I wasn’t even dressed.  Fair enough.  Yet, as soon as you insult a teenager, degrade them with words, verbally attack them, follow them around while shouting even when they’re doing what you wanted them to do, or talk to them sarcastically…you have a reluctant teenager who doesn’t even want to lift a finger for you.

Shouting, insulting and screaming at your teenager doesn’t teach them to be better people.  It teaches them all the ways to resent you, and make them do their chores so that you don’t verbally attack them, shout and scream again. They will feel hard done to, disrespected and an isolated member of the family if they feel like you are attacking them.

I don’t even like being in the same room as my parents anymore, because if I say or do something they dislike they won’t talk to me…they’ll shout at me as if I’m stupid, and then lecture me about how they are justified in their shouting.  I repeat: shouting doesn’t teach anything.  It teaches the teenager all the ways to resent you. 

If your teenager feels like you are only going to criticise them, they will stop talking to you, sharing things with you, and will prefer to spend time away from you.  If they act grouchy with you, or touchy and reluctant to do anything you say, reflect on why.  If they don’t want to say, it may be that you have upset them and they think that you don’t value their opinion.

Respect is a two way street.  If parents expect respect, respect the teenager, or else they won’t think there is a valuable reason for them to respect you.  So simple things like invading their privacy, going into their room without knocking and interrogating them…just don’t.  You wouldn’t like it if they did that to you, so don’t do it to them.  Simple.

I’ve tried countless times to seep back into my parents ‘good book’ so to speak, because I’m tired of feeling like the black sheep. I try to keep them in the loop, talk to them, explain myself to them and suggest things to do with them…and they always shout at me, or tell me I’m always grumpy and ask if I want something.

Don’t act suspicious about your child unless you are concerned.  If you are suspicious they’ll feel like you don’t trust them, and will automatically not want to share anything with you at all.

You can’t expect everything and not give them anything back, even if you have brought them into this world, paid for their phone and so on.  Everyone likes to feel appreciated, so every now and then, why not do something they like?  Small things like recording their favourite show, suggesting a shopping trip or buying them their favourite sweet.  If they don’t feel appreciated for doing all their chores, doing their homework, getting good grades etc, then what is the point? Yes, they should be doing those things anyway in your books, but it’s stressful as a teenager, and the occasional ‘How was your day?’ would be appreciated.  Or allowing them some chill time after college to go on their phone, instead of expecting them to be doing the dishes and for the house to be spotless as soon as you come home.

Another thing…don’t forget that as a parent you have to pull your finger out and do things too.  Yes, again, we teenagers understand you go to work, get tired, and want a nice clean house to come home to…but! Why should they do it if you don’t?  You live in the house too, and as a family you all contribute to any mess there may be.  So we teenagers expect you to look after the house too, or we really do feel like Cinderella, or maids.

I understand I am ‘only’ a teenager, and may not understand everything about being a grown up, but as a person I know how I would like to be treated.  Just because you are a parent doesn’t mean you are entitled to be a knob.  You have to listen, be patient, understanding and capable of compromise.  In a lot of ways, it is a relationship.  It is really that simple.  When you divide everything up into what they really are, you begin to realise that things need work. Everything does.

Also, if your teenager gives you attitude, it may be because you are.  Re-evaluate your own tone, and maybe you’ll learn something. If you are a parent reading this in the hunt for information about why your teen is grouchy, full of attitude or unwilling to do anything…this might help you.

I am not perfect, as I have mentioned before, and I know I should do more around the house. However…it’s a two way street.  There are reasons I am reluctant to do more, and I have explained them.

I currently have to do more so my boyfriend can sleep over, and that…again…will piss off a teenager if they feel like you as a parent don’t do enough, or that you are punishing them, and that you don’t respect their feelings…However I intend to set a good example so that my parents realise they should do more, otherwise I am just a maid.

So remember: Be a decent human being, respect is a two way street, you have to work too, listen, and avoid shouting and screaming insults at them.  You might just get a good reaction, because believe it or not, some teenagers want a good relationship with their parents.

Bye for now,

Ulalume Poe

When The Boyfriend Doesn’t Like a Friend

I had this issue when I told him my friend had depression, and was perhaps doing things she shouldn’t be doing…I’ll leave it up to you guys to imagine what those things could be.

He, understandably, was concerned that she may drag me down.  She would be a bad influence and so on.  I’m not a very strong person mentally, but I wanted to stick by her because she was my friend. I wanted to help.

However…she got worse.  These ‘things’ she was doing weren’t helping her depression, and she was being self-destructive. I concluded that I’ll be there for her, and the door is open for her…but it’s her choice whether or not she walks through that door.  I’m not going to jump when she says jump…it’s not fair on me.

This issue with my friend…I’m dealing with.  Not my boyfriend.  People have to remember that it is always your choice with how you deal with your friends, not your boyfriends choice, and so for now…I’m taking a break to get my head together before talking to said friend.

My boyfriend also didn’t like my college friends.  Two of them partied hard, one cheated a lot on her boyfriend, they wanted me to drink despite me not wanting to, and they introduced me to guys who were complete utter shitbags-and they didn’t even seem to see they were shitbags.  Excuse me?  Lying about being a porn star, getting a girl pregnant and then the girl got an abortion?  Would you really lie about that shit?  Plus, this guy asked for naughty pics of me, and my friends still told me he was lovely….WRONG!  I’m in a relationship man, piss off!  My boyfriend got worried because he’s not close by due to the LDR, and so it’s up to me to avoid the dickheads my so called friends would introduce me to.  I agreed to go for a meal with them if the dickhead wasn’t there…only to find out as soon as I got into the car that he was meeting us there.

What friends *rolls eyes*.  It was even worse when I was forced to get a lift with him.

This wasn’t the only reason he didn’t like them.  They made me feel inferior and as if I was only there so they didn’t feel lonely at dinner.  They rarely let me speak my mind freely, because yes I am perverted, but that isn’t really an issue…I shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it.

In a lot of ways my boyfriend is right about these friends, and that they are bad for me.  I get it.  I tried to leave them and spend more time with people I liked spending time with…but then the other friends started guilt tripping me.  I’m hoping to fade away from them a little, but one of them I want to keep in touch with because she could be a good friend…she just knew a lot of dicks…

So when your boyfriend doesn’t like a friend…listen to why.  Communicate and talk through why he has an issue, but never let him decide who you can and can’t be friends with.  My boyfriend helped me realise my so called friends were just making me feel bad constantly, and that I shouldn’t allow that to happen, which is true, but I decided to try different options with them in case things got better.  I wish I didn’t.

You should always surround yourself with people who make you happy.  However, you should also be there for the friends who need you.  It’s a tricky balance.

Expectations of Love: What Was I Thinking?

There’s two expectations I had, originally, and they contrast so differently that it gives me whip lash.  The first was what I had read as a little girl, reading about how the prince saves the woman, and they fall in love instantly and live happily ever after.  It was appealing in more ways than one.  Firstly, it was so darn easy.  Wham, bam: love. The characters seemed happy enough, but Snow White must have been annoyed at some point that Prince Charming or whatever his name is didn’t agree to do his fair amount of chores, or if he would roll over after sex and leave her unsatisfied and seeking help from seven little men. Love isn’t easy.  The books only ever revealed the Falling In Love part of the story, and never went on to explain anything else.

People always seem to say: ‘It was great at first, but it’s not the same anymore.’

Well, I was told by my older sister that there is a honeymoon period in new relationships, where it is eager, new and there’s rainbows and fucking ponies everywhere you look with fields of candy cane!

Maybe I thought the honeymoon period would last forever.  Maybe I wanted a prince to save me from where I was in life, and to whisk me away on his white horse and make me his Queen, where hopefully his parents weren’t too pedantic or desperate to be grandparents.

It looked so good in the books.

My other expectation of love was Love Games.  The Chase.  Broken Hearts until you get to thirty and men seem to grow up a bit and think ‘shit, I’ve been a dick up until now, maybe I should settle down’.  Hell, I’m 18, and yet I was terrified of the thoughts of guys using me for sex, being interested for a week and then disappearing, or saying they would be interested if only I were prettier, funnier, sexier etc.  Not all guys are like this, I know, but they were out there, a horror story all girls knew about and feared.  I had a friend whose mantra was ‘Never trust a man, Never love a man’.  You know why?  Because she had been hurt so many times before, and was scared it would happen again.

The other expectation was to expect failure in all shapes and sizes, and that men were jerks. Sex and The City (a fucking brilliant programme) showed these dicks, and the struggles of finding love and so on.

It’s realistic to some degree, and that’s scary. It screams ‘The world is full of nutjobs, where are all the princes!?!?!’

But let’s be honest…do I really want a prince?

I admit I was saved.  From depression, loneliness and thinking that I was just a blip on the planet.  I was rescued, plonked into a loving persons arms and kissed.  There was no horse.  No shining armor.  He came wearing jeans and a black jacket, smelt delicious, and was wearing the wrong shoes for rainy weather. He came over time…after he broke down my walls and gained my trust.  He became the prince (urgh, to be so cliche and gross about it).  Fairy tales let us believe it’s all so simple, and it would be a relief perhaps for it to be that way, but we always have to ‘try them out’ a little first because hey…we want Mr Right.  Not Mr Right At The Moment Because We’re Desperate.  Snow White wasn’t desperate, she was all innocent and shit. I wonder if she would be so innocent after dating for ten years with no success.

I didn’t want any games.  Heartache.  Crying over how nothing is going to plan.  But hey…it happened, but I’m still in love.  I’d rather have the arguments then to have rainbows and glitter sparkle, because it means we’re real.  We have real issues, real feelings and real ambitions. My ideal relationship wouldn’t be Long Distance, but you can’t pick who you love.  It happens.  Prince Charming or Cute Geek Who Smells Goooood?  I’d always choose the latter, because he’s my man.  He’s not perfect, but neither am I.

I didn’t expect to get excited for a Skype call, to be able to hear his voice after a long day, or to get stupidly happy at receiving his hoodie.  I didn’t expect to feel perfectly at home wherever he is, or to miss him as soon as the train starts to leave the station.  I didn’t expect to cry so easily after an argument because he means so much, and words were said that hurt more than I thought they would.  I never thought that I’d reveal my weird side, my cranky side, my insecure side or to be me with him, for real, because to be yourself with someone is some scary shit.

I never thought that he could say something so insensitive, that I’d go into a mood and think of all the ways I was right and he was wrong, and to find myself more in the wrong than right myself because I’m ruled by my emotions and he’s more often being quite realistic and reasonable.  Dude has intelligence…I’ll win one day XD

So yes.  Love is not what I expected.  It is neither a fairy tale nor an accident waiting to happen that will forever dent my view on love.  It’s real.

We just have to remember that people have feelings, and now and then we have to be wrong, and to be able to compromise.  We have to be more understanding and less selfish, and to be able to understand it’s not going to be perfect.  And why would you want it to be perfect?  It’s more fun an adventure to look back on. ‘Hey, remember that time we argued over who was doing the dishes, and I got so pissed off I chased you around the house threatening to delete your favourite programme off the recorded list?’  It will be something to laugh about.  It will be something to learn from.

Yes, maybe at the time it was the worst thing in the world, but hey…there’s more to life then clean dishes…but it is a good place to start.  Just make sure it’s a shared knowledge that the dishes have to be done.  Team work 🙂

But before I start rambling about dishes…bye for now, and I’ll be back to post later! Happy loving!

When An Apology Is Not Enough

I wrote a post yesterday about the frustration when my boyfriend does not apologise, and how it makes me feel, and despite believing I’d never get an apology…I got one before the end of the day.

However, it didn’t solve anything for me.  Feelings of hurt didn’t magically disappear, nor did the frustration.  Yet, if I say ‘your apology means nothing’, he may be put off from apologising (if needed) again, so where does that leave me?

With the conclusion that he has to make it up to me.

I’m not an expensive girl, and I’m easily made happy by the simplest of things. Give me your hoodie that has your scent all over it?  I’m beaming from ear to ear.  Buy me a KFC, or a doughnut?  Let me kiss the daylights out of you.  I’m very, easily, satisfied like that.

But what do I want?  I’m not materialistic, I’m sentimental, and I prefer actions and genuine words to show me real feeling, so…it’s up to him.  It would be wrong to demand something in particular, or to guilt trip him into something, and that is just not me.  So it’s all down to him, and I have a feeling he knows he has to do something, and I’d feel bad if he’s dreading it.

It just has to be enough to make up for what he did, and maybe it will take time, but either way…something has to happen.

No More Excuses: Exercise

I’ve had a slight fear of exercising since primary school.  Sports was filled with teachers yelling at you to go faster, and you’re trying, but you just can’t do it because you’re not fit enough.  I’ve had a teacher yell at me to go faster as I’m playing hockey, and I didn’t go faster, because I was still practicing how to use the hockey stick.  So she ordered me to do five laps of the yard because I wasn’t ‘trying’.

Skip forward a year after that incident, and football came along.  I was not ‘trying’ again, according to the teachers, despite how I was drenched in sweat and panting as if there was no air whatsoever.  So they isolated me to a corner of the yard to practice kicking a ball against a wall.

I always felt like I was being punished for not being naturally good at something, and would watch with critical eyes as the teachers would praise and have a good laugh with the students who were naturally gifted at sports. Despite what everyone assumed, I did enjoy sports, but I wasn’t good at it.

And I did try.

A time came when I really enjoyed basketball but sucked to high heaven at dribbling, so in my spare time I would dribble the ball.  I did it because I enjoyed it, but if I didn’t impress the teacher I’d be shouted at.  So it came to the point that I accepted I wasn’t any good.  I just put my head down and got on with it, just to get through it and then go as soon as possible.

I used to love running.  Used to feel good after winning sprints at school, and would randomly run against people in the yard.  It felt good.  But alas, I was put off by the teachers telling me I wasn’t trying, and it was easier to give up and let everyone else shine in my place.

High school came.  Sports was harder, of course, and I was below average with everything.  I’d never flip the teachers off and say I’m not going to participate, so there I’d be, slowly trudging across the field, bright red, panting, feeling a metallic taste in my mouth.  I’d always have bad scores and times, but I’d be more bothered about getting out of there as fast as possible.  I’ve had my moments.  I won a cricket game for the team once, and it felt amazing.  Considered even joining the cricket team, but then my friends told me I wouldn’t be good at it, so I decided to not do it.  I did well in netball at one point, and was called a ‘netball goddess’ by a teacher, but she embarrassed and patronised me by stopping the game and making a fuss.

They’ve always patronised me, as if they are shocked if I do something well.  It feels like they only have low expectations of you, and it makes you question your own abilities.

Football came around again: I chose it as an option because I wanted to get better, but as soon as I got in there…there was no ‘training’.  It was like being thrown in the deep end and having good footballers racing at you, and that is intimidating. The teacher, again, shouted at me.  My excuse: I don’t know what I’m doing.

I started going to the school gym at dinner, but it was always full of competitive guys showing off, and because there was a huge mirror in front of me on the treadmill, I’d see my thighs clap together.  Due to this, I stopped going to the gym at school.  Too many people were better than me.  Too many people looked at me.  I would much rather be invisible, than to have people watch me struggle.

During a holiday one year my thighs rubbed together so much I had heat rash.  So I vowed to exercise and start doing Insanity, an intense exercise program designed to urge you to push yourself.  My parents did it, so I thought it was worth a shot.  However, my dad watched me and criticised me all the way, telling me I wasn’t trying, so again…I gave up.  I don’t want to be criticised for trying.

Since then, I have done nothing, and I’m seeing the consequences.  I’ve never been ‘fit’, and I am a size 12, above 9 stone, and my height is 161 cm tall.  Most of my weight is in my breasts (a pest during exercise), and despite carrying the weight well and not looking hugely fat, I am…unfit.  I wobble.  My knees have started to click randomly.

So I’ve decided to stop blaming everyone else, and to do something about it.

My main reasons for wanting to get healthy are: I’m tired of being unfit, I want to build my confidence, I want to be proud of my body and accomplishments, I want to feel more confident in the bedroom and to get on top again, I want to have an active way to get rid of pent up energy and frustrations, and one day…I’d like to be able to exercise with my boyfriend while feeling confident about it.  But another reason is it’s good in the long run.  I hope to one day be a mum, and I don’t want to be the kind of mum who can’t run around and play with her kids, so…I’m starting to exercise.

It is a shame I let things defeat me in the past, because with a little more support I would have really enjoyed sport, and maybe basketball in particular (though I have no idea why).  I just liked to surprise people I suppose.

My aim is to be healthy and good for the future…and so today…I exercised 😉 I followed a health magazines advice on a few exercises, and thought it would be simple enough.  Thirty minutes later…I was so sweaty I had sweat marks on the exercise mat…and boob prints…

And my legs are in agony!  But I’ve learnt a few things.  I need to work on my core strength, and I’m too stubborn to give up a certain exercise until a song is over XD

So what I’m saying is…it’s easy to give up, and to listen to others criticisms and to think lowly of yourself.  It’s a trap.  Giving up doesn’t get you anywhere at all, and it’s pointless.  For once, I want to prove people wrong, and to get fit.  I want to run in public, I want to run with people, I want to be able to run and look good doing it, and to enjoy it.

Before that…I have to work. However, I can imagine how proud I’ll be when I can achieve my goals.

Something that pushed me to exercise: my mum is now 8 stone…which was a wake up call.  Plus…my boyfriend is fit…and watching him slowly made me realise how bad I was myself.  So really…I’ve been inspired again 🙂 Let’s hope tomorrow is a sweaty one XD

The Frustration When He Doesn’t Apologise

I’ve had this a lot, and unfortunately, my man struggles to apologise.  He prefers to think about it first, before just saying it, which honestly, when I think about it…I appreciate it more.  However, my issue is whether or not he will in fact apologise.

I won’t act all high and mighty about anything, because I’ve had my mood swings where he’s probably had his head in his hands, thinking ‘here we go again’, but more often or not I only get moody or over-dramatic if I’ve been hurt, and I’ve told him, and he’s done nothing about it.

He seems to think gliding over the topic will help, and after my confession about whatever is upsetting me, I expect more than that.  I expect him to take ownership of why he’s upset me, and to make it better.  Ignoring the issue because you don’t want to ‘argue’ is bullshit. Ignoring me, and changing the topic, just makes me think that my feelings don’t matter, and that is like a kick in the teeth.

It usually takes me a day to admit what upsets me.  An entire blasted day, due to the thoughts in my head telling me that maybe it doesn’t matter, maybe I’m being petty…perhaps I’ll feel okay after a cup of tea, or if I bring up this topic he’ll get defensive and we’ll fight.

But the other half of my brain says: Wake the fuck up.  If he cares, he’ll listen.  He’ll make it better.  He’ll apologise.

Yet, once I’ve followed through with telling him what’s wrong, since communication is awesome and all, he…ignores…me.  Here’s the best part.  If he thinks I’m in a mood, he threatens not to text me for a few days…

Am I going insane?  Or did he just totally disregard my feelings as if they meant nothing to him whatsoever? Am I meant to take this?  No.  So here’s what I did. I told him I didn’t appreciate being ignored, and that I’ll not be texting so he can think about things, and then maybe we’ll talk later.  And you know what?  I don’t feel better for it.  He’s not texting me, I’m not texting him, and I’m worrying over if he is taking me seriously or not, and if he even cares that he upset me.  Site after site will say ‘don’t text first, wait, he’ll get the hint’, but this is one stubborn man I’m dealing with, and I always think that if I text first it means I care more, and he’ll win.

But it’s not about winning.  It isn’t supposed to be.

We’re meant to be a team, and yet he’s ignoring my feelings and refusing to apologise. What kind of team is that when the team members can’t even support each other?

I apologise when needed.  No issues there, but he…I sometimes want to bash him about the head to force out a genuine apology, because my God I deserve one right now.  If you deserve an apology, he better fucking give one.

He can do it simply with words, or if he’s non-verbal and struggles to let his man pride take a back seat, he can get flowers or make you some hot chocolate in bed or something. As long as I know he’s sorry, I’m good, but he has to make me believe it…My other issue is he has to actually say it to me, because we’re in a long distance relationship, so he has to.  I can’t see him constantly, so he Has. To. Say. It. Otherwise…how am I supposed to know?

Yet…maybe it isn’t solely the lack of apology I need right now, but to have felt some level of interest and understanding from my partner, instead of him just not seeming to care.  I know some guys don’t like to talk through issues, or have long conversations about ‘feelings’, but if you don’t seem to give a fuck, the girl is going to question how deep your own feelings for her are. You may be certain of his love for you, but then he upsets you and doesn’t seem to care…and it rocks you slightly, because…well…if he cared as much as you had originally thought, he would be showing it, yes?

Yes.

And that is why I am frustrated right now.

Sorry for the rant people, but a rant is healthy every now and then XD

Update: he apologised, and now I’m sheepishly looking over my rant with my head in my hands…oh dear…um…shit. He actually apologised…didn’t really expect it to happen for real…0-0 currently feeling guilty for ranting

The Importance Of Foreplay

To all the guys out there that skip it, or roll their eyes or even think it’s a chore…GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.  Foreplay is important, and the bottom line is, it feels amazing, and can make sex even more amazing.

You need foreplay to get her in the mood, wet enough for penetration, and feeling loved and aroused.  If you just climb on top of her, have sex and then wonder off without so much as a cuddle afterwards, she may feel used and unsatisfied. Try having sex and not having an orgasm, and then think about how you feel.  Are you unsatisfied?  Wanting more?

Yes?

Then maybe that’s how a woman feels when she is not receiving some proper loving.  Most women cannot orgasm from penetrative sex alone, and this is perfectly normal.  Most women, if not all women, love stimulation prior to sex.  We love caressing, kissing, fondling, fingering and oral sex. Our orgasms are important too.

You see, sex is for you as a couple.  It should never be one-sided or else someone may end up feeling resentful.  So, before you drop you trousers and make your desires heard, think about what she may like, what she does like.  Maybe it’s true that she loves something you do during sex, but…it could be a heightened experience made more enjoyable if you take the time to fully arouse her.

Also, another point is that sometimes, if she is not well lubricated enough, it is uncomfortable, and sometimes she may be wary during sex that something down there is going to *coughs* rip.  Also, it is dangerous if she is not wet enough, because if there is too much friction the condom may come off, and if you do not want to get pregnant…a nightmare may unfurl.  If you men are reading this and shaking your heads at this, thinking it all nonsense and that foreplay is a waste of time…shame on you.   If you care about your girlfriend, wife etc, then you should care about her pleasure.  Take the time to make her feel appreciated, or you may just find yourself not having sex for a long time, or that she becomes unresponsive and unwilling. She may even think about not giving you the pleasure she usually gives you, because she feels like she is getting nothing back.

So to avoid all this, and to enjoy sex completely…foreplay goes a long way.  Ask each other what feels good, and what you would both like to try. Communication is key.  Spontaneous sex is good too, but foreplay is a must!  If you are a woman reading this and want your man to understand why you need a little bit of warming up before sex, educate him.  Or if you are a man needing foreplay, tell your spouse why you need it! Whether it’s emotional needs or physical, if you need something to feel good don’t be afraid to make it known, because sex is meant be enjoyable for both of you, not just the man, or just the woman.

Happy foreplay folks!

Ulalume Poe

The Importance of That First Picture Together

Most of my friends have that picture with their significant other as their home screen wallpaper on their phones, and all the while I would sit there, wishing I had the same.  Due to my forgetful nature, and the fact I only see my boyfriend twice a month due to the fifty miles between us, I had never gotten a picture of us until recently.

It was important to me, obviously, because the thought of being able to see the man I love everyday, even if it was on my phone, was something I needed. It wasn’t because all my friends had it…I only envied them for a while because they had it and they didn’t seem to realise how important it was…

When my boyfriend finally remembered we needed a photo (and I had failed to remember yet again), it was when we were at the train station, and his train was rolling in.  It was a moment torn between ‘get on your freaking train before you miss it!’ and ‘get the camera out right now!’.  He shoved his phone in my hand, and since I couldn’t quite reach the button with my thumb to take it, he had to press the button while I held the phone in place.  I’m ridiculously proud of the fact that we took the picture together, and even though the picture is slightly grainy, I love it to bits. I love the way we fit together, and how close we are.  Seeing it makes me smile, and it…kinda makes it easier.

It makes it easier when I can’t turn around and start talking to him, and when I need my cuddle but he’s not there to snuggle with.  It makes it easier, despite the cold distance, to be able to see a picture of us together, happy.  It’s a reminder that it’s all worth it.

Since that first picture together we have more, and even videos.  It’s all happy memories, and I am incredibly happy to have them on my phone and my laptop…and my memory stick XD Simply because it’s us.  So next time your girl wants a picture, or your friends want to see one or whatever…just get one.  Or twenty!